Foodfight!

Y'know those movies that are so incredibly bad that they are kind of fun? (See my review of The F.P.)

This isn't one of those movies. This is just...*shudder*

Foodfight!

PG (2012)

Starring:

Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hillary Duff, Haylie Duff, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd, Chris Kattan, Jerry Stiller

Plot:

The movie follows the story of Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen), an "Ike" (or Icon) who defends the grocery store that he and his friends live in from the evil Brand X, a line of products looking remarkably like Nazis, that are trying to conquer the supermarket.

Before we get into the meat and potatoes, I feel I should discuss the sordid history of this movie. It was originally intended for release in 2002, but partway through production, all of the files for the entire movie mysteriously went missing. But that didn't stop them, hooooo no. They pressed on, and nearly ten years later, this...um..."movie" was released. According to IMDb, the movie's overall budget was $65 million, and its in-theater gross was less than $75,000. That's right, the movie made less than .001% of its budget back! 

I originally heard of this movie through a review by JonTron, a guy who does comedic video reviews of (usually terrible) video games and movies. (To watch his review, which I HIGHLY recommend, click HERE. Really though, the guy is a crack-up) Okay fun facts aside, let's dive in.

The Good:

...Pass.

The Bad:

Oh man, you can't just expect me to list it all out. I've gotta categorize this. Let's start with the visuals.

What the hell did they make this with, Gmod?!

ANIMATION:

The entire movie looks like it was made by a sophomore at a visual arts college. You'll see entire character models used anywhere from twice to fifty times in the same shot, images on the wrong layers, bodies defying anything close to the laws of gravity/physics, hands down the WORST liquid animation you'll ever see, the worst lip syncing since the Super Nintendo, and some of the most terrifying programming glitches this side of Y2k.

Just take a look at this still from the movie, where we see hands-down the most terrifying character I've ever seen who has what I can only classify as a blatantly sexual desire for anything chocolate. I had to rewind and freeze-frame to take this shot, because I honestly thought maybe I was losing my mind. His face just...melts or something! JEEZ! Now I realize that this wasn't made by Pixar or Dreamworks, but honestly even the first Shrek movie puts this to shame, and that came out 11 years prior!!! If this were the first ever animated movie, I could maybe see this as passable, even impressive! But in an era where 3D movies are becoming standard, and people care more for HD or Blu-Ray, this is just...EIW!!!

AUDIO:

These people are famous actors. I mean just look at that list at the top again! You've got a massive list of actors who have been in plenty of stuff that didn't suck, whose voicework makes them sound like they're in a gradeschool play! The music and songs sound like they were written by a high school garage band, and at least once per scene, the audio very noticeably doesn't sync to their lips.

If you can't tell, they zoomed in between her legs.
 It stays on this shot for about ten seconds...PG my ass.

STORY:

You know when you go back and watch movies you loved as a kid, and you start to get all the subtle adult humor that they hide in there for the parents? This movie is packed so full of "subtle adult humor" that I honestly cannot fathom how they pulled a PG rating out of their asses. Let me give you a bit of sample dialogue:

"Woah honey! Nice packaging! How about some chocolate frosting? I'd like to butter your muffin!"

And believe you me, that's just one of the countless examples. Were I a father, I would rather take them to an R-rated movie than this monstrosity. At least the acting might be better...

And not only the dirty stuff, but most of it just doesn't make any type of sense! At one point, the villain gets hit in the head. Before he falls over, like any normal situation would have him do, he goes on a terrifying blab about how he thinks he wet himself, but he likes the feeling...? I can't even count the number of times that my jaw literally dropped open during this movie.

Now I totally understand if you think I'm over exaggerating, I would too. And honestly I have a tendency to do that. But if you don't believe me, the entire movie is available to watch on YouTube right now, for free! Take a look for yourself and tell me I'm lying!

Verdict:

In the past few years, it is becoming the norm for companies to make movies so intentionally horrid that they are meant to be comedic. Movies like "Sharknado", "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus", "Birdemic", and "The F.P." all make fun of themselves in such a way that you know its satirical. This movie does not belong in their ranks. "FoodFight!" desperately wants to be the next "Shrek". But when the files went missing, they should have let it die, because nobody honestly would have cared.

I'm giving FoodFight! a -3 out of 10.

Yup, its so bad I'm going below zero. Zero is too good for this crap heap.

SERIOUSLY!!! The original Playstation had better cut scenes then this!